Painful Are the Longings of a Waiting Heart

I wish I could say this post is about a friend who can't eat cheese, or someone born blind, but it is not. This post is about the desires of my own heart, and how painful it can be when they are unfulfilled or unattainable. At first I thought to write a poem, but that's just not coming together. So here I enter my thoughts on the longings of a waiting heart, and offer up questions for anyone who reads this to ponder.

First, be it known this is coming from the perspective of a single woman. Second, let it also be known that there may be information here that you think you know of whom I am speaking, but the vagueness and other considerations cause you to question it. That's on purpose. My intent is not to make a plea for an answer from anyone specific, but to share my heart as today I feel quite accutely the longing to be married and have a family. Those who know me well will know this is a very real part of who I am.

With that said, here we go. This morning I remembered an interaction from last week that caused me to once again listen to that hidden desire I hold in my heart. Someone had been kind in relating when we'd see one another again, and though I'm sure it was not intended as such, it came off as very personal. What makes this hardest for me is that I cannot long for this man because there are differences that keep us apart. It's also hard because I don't know if maybe there was something there if he would understand why I would not agree to further our friendship beyond simply that.

There are times I'm glad God gave me a head with knowledge and decision-making abilities, because if I were to ignore those previously made decisions, I would be in a world of hurt one after another as I entered into relationships that I already know will not work. Here I find myself thinking of a few different men who have amenable qualities about them, but who live differently than I do, and therefore would not be a wise match.

Some of you may be reading this, and saying that I should take some risks, let go of my walls. For those who know me well, you know that you are right most of the time, however, there are also boundaries (walls) up that are there for a reason, and should remain. For instance, there are issues of faith that are not negotiable, and that includes salvation as well as practice. None could argue that as a believer, I should not be with an unbeliever, but some have argued that I could be with someone with whom I disagree on specific things of practice in the Christian life. Their point has mostly been made on the grounds that we should love one another. Where this is true, it is also true that though I should love all, I ought not marry everyone I love. This would cause even more problems. I'm not saying here that I cannot love someone who doesn't worship the Lord in the same way I do, or have the same ideas of child-rearing that I do. I am saying that I should not marry someone unless we are alike-minded on things that pertain to how we live our lives and faith.

So, with all of this very head-felt stuff, my heart longs for the day when I will be desired, wanted, pursued, preferred, adored, chosen, cared for, and sought out by the man of God's own choosing for my life. I realize as I look at the relationships that will not be that while I lament that I cannot have those I've silently pondered as potential husbands, it is what draws me to them that I seek, and God has someone out there with these qualities who stands where I stand on what is important, and who pursue me in God's timing. Meanwhile, I wait, with a longing heart...