Finding My Rhythm

This past weekend I realized it's been a whole month since I stepped out of the office. While the first week of that month was a blessed time spent with family in Indiana, and I've done some house- and pet-sitting since returning to Colorado, I have primarily been at home. With job searching being a weight I carry, I have also turned towards the cares of the home. As a homemaker at heart, and with the encouragement from a friend to maintain a rhythm of work and rest, I have been tracking daily my work rhythm. My friends with whom I connect online will have seen some of these daily rhythms posted and adjusted as the day goes on. Some things take more time that I have allowed for them, while others are completed and done before I even look at the clock.

In the midst of this rhythm of work, one thing I am finding is that I also have to have a rhythm of self-care. Right now self-care feels very much like work. If you read the previous blog post, you might be able to understand why this is work for me. I have dealt for so long with the lie that I am not worthy of being taken care of. Because of that lie, I find it hard to sit and care for myself when I can see other tasks that need to be done. Then I resent doing the other work simply because it speaks directly to my feeling of worthlessness. And the cycle goes on.

Today I choose to live differently. I write this blog as a benefit to those who read it. But that is changing. While I hope it will still benefit and bless the readers, I write more to process my own stuff and what God is doing in the midst of it. Even the paragraph above helped me to process out loud why it is that I feel the way I do towards certain work.

I titled this post "Finding My Rhythm" because I am in a transitional space where I can explore how a day can flow. Yesterday I had a quite intensive list of things I hoped to accomplish. I forgot that when I spend time talking with someone about my own needs, as I did yesterday morning, I am often emotionally exhausted afterwards. The meeting was longer that I expected, and while I ran the errands I had planned before returning home, I arrived home ready for a long nap. I had planned three hours of housework. Instead, I got home, planned a few tasks to do, and then took that nap. It was a good nap, and I am so thankful that God has helped me to retrain myself to get up when the alarm goes off the first time. I got up, accomplished some of the tasks on the list with some not on the list.

I learned that I need to choose specific tasks I plan to complete rather than setting a time-frame for work. I certainly learned this in the office this past year, but now I need to apply it to the home as well. Today my list is different. I have certain tasks planned, some of which is self-care related. In fact, I've already read a couple chapters this morning in a book I intend to finish today.

From time to time, I remember that I have specific goals set for the year as well. Yesterday I saw a yarn project I started nearly six years ago. Since one of my goals is to use all of the yarn and fabric I have in my room (forget what's in the storage space), I started to think about how I can complete that afghan. I had gotten tired of the pattern I was doing and put it aside. Now I have an idea that will make it much easier to finish. If it doesn't work the way I want it to, I may just throw out the first and use the remaining yarn with what I have in mind now. Maybe I'll just use what's already done as a table runner or scarf of some sort. This is just one example in trying things out.

My hope with defining my rhythm is to fit things where they belong and learn how to continue to 'work' even when I am not working. My rhythm has also lately included ministry opportunities I would not have otherwise had. I have had conversations that were more leisurely and spoke from the heart rather than moving on to the next task. I am learning what it means to be in the moment. In fact, my brain clicked last Friday night while talking with a friend. I was sharing a story about something that had happened in the past and realized I was rushing the story. Why? Because I had another story to tell, and I wanted to keep his attention while I shared, not thinking that he would be interested just because I was sharing part of my story. I slowed down and told a better story than I would have if I had just rushed it. We laughed and truly enjoyed one another's company.

This morning, while writing this post, I looked out my kitchen window. It was lightly raining and the sun was shining at the same time. I looked at it longingly for a few short seconds, and went right back to writing. Then I paused. This was a moment I could take in, and I did! What a refreshing rhythm by which to live! The birds are singing, it's still lightly raining, and I have written my post. Now I close my laptop and I continue my rhythm for the day. Blessings on your day in hopes that you, too, will find your rhythm.