The Will of God?

I just returned less than a week ago from a short term mission trip to Louisiana to work with the victims of Hurricane Rita. The plan was to go down and do some cleanup and tear down to help people there restore some semblance of the lives they had lost last fall. We also had a Vacation Bible School planned, though it was not during vacation time.

I wrestle with my participation on this trip. I went down with the intention that I would be working alongside those in my team in the physical labor aspect, and when my back went out, I was out of commission in that respect. I found it hard to accept when the team offered me time to rest, as I felt like a disappointment to them, though no one ever said anything to that respect. It's part of how I grew up, and I know it's a lie the enemy has planted to make me feel guilty. Still, it's hard to combat, especially when I'm surrounded by close friends whose opinions I care deeply about.

Early in the week, I felt God saying that He had called me there to do something different, but I didn't know what, how to get there, or how to accept that change in plans in the midst of the rest of the team. This was the morning I woke up with my back stiffer than I had expected, and still I worked that day until my back locked up and I was physically useless anymore. The next two days I spent praying for our team who were all at work sites, and for the church where we stayed. I don't know how many of you have ever used oil in your intercessory prayers, but this is a practice I am familiar with, and for some reason God told me to bring the oil with me on this trip, oil which I had not used since early in college. God reminded me of that oil while I was praying through the empty church, and as I prayed for each room, I touched the doorposts with the oil to symbolize His anointing on the place.

The next day the whole team went to a church about an hour away where some of the team had already been working. When I borrowed gloves from someone who wasn't using them, he sternly, to my surprise, instructed me that I was to pick up a few leaves or one brick at a time, and nothing heavier. This person is a dear brother to me, and I am so glad to have his encouragement. This instruction was especially important to me as I know he struggles with back pain as well. He understands my pain, as does our LORD, and the complassion that came out in that statement goes beyond simply wondering if I was going to be all right.

Well, I carried carpet foam and picked up garbage for about an hour when another brother in Christ came up and took me to a woman who lived next to the church. He said that she could probably use my company, and that's where I spent the rest of that workday. I got to hear stories of how God had provided a piano for her home as well as the church, both replacing that which was lost in the storm. I also heard about God's grace in the midst of the loss, and how He chose not to reveal all of the loss to her at once. I am most encouraged by the hope God has placed in her life in the midst of family loss from illness and destruction of homes from the storm.

The next day I had the privilege of spending time with Miss Juday, the woman next door, singing while she played piano. This was probably one of my most memorable times on the trip as I was in my element. I know my ministry is to the hearts of those who are wounded, and here I had to opportunity to praise the living God in the midst of all the destruction. We were both blessed, and I am so glad I met Miss Judy. I will never forget her.

One of the things we did as a group each evening was to gather and sing songs a capella. That night I was so amazed as we sang because I was reminded that Judy's heart was so lifted by thinking of the choirs of heaven and singing in the presence of our God when we all reach heaven. Oh, the glory of joining in song with my brothers and sisters in Christ! That night was probably the most joyous to me.

In all of this, I am still learning to accept God's will and direction. I still wrestle with feeling as though I let the team down, but at the same time I marvel at how God used my inabilities to bring Him glory in a different way. He used my pian to open a door to minister in the way He created me to. He accomplished what He had planned all along, and in so doing continued to teach me a vital leasson in learning who to please.

With that said, I am still struggling with the aspect that in the midst of a team of 20, I did something different than was expected, and steared off the path laid out before us. I'm still trying to reconcile how I can do what God has for my life and leave a team effort that was planned out beforehand. Do I feel selfish for giving up what the team was doing because I couldn't do it and doing something else? Do I chalk it up to the sovereignty of God to place so many people there who could do the work that my lack of ability in this area was hardly seen and that my strength in another area was brought to the forefront in ministry to the heart, not only of Miss Judy, but to the heart of God? I by no means put my ministry above that of the team, but I humble accept that God had different plans and used those plans (and still uses them) to show me how He created me to minister and the gifts He has given me.

One last thought, going back to the compassion shown by a brother with simliar back problems: God is not oblivious to our pain and suffering. I learned in this simple interaction the truth of God knowing our suffering and temptation. This brother in Christ, whether or not he knows it, is an example to me of how Christ knows our pian and reaches out in compassion to heal it. He (both Jesus and this friend) knows that the pain is still there, and that it will not simply go away. He reaches down and says, "Here, let me care for that wound and let me show you how to live that the wound may no longer be worsened." What a compassionate and loving God!

Please continue to pray for me as I work through God's dealings with my pain. May God be glorified, and may I continue to grow more and more like what He has planned for me to be.