And the Healing Continues...

I'm thinking through some more of my processing of stuff, and I've realized that God has given me compassion far beyond myself. While I am not responsible for what was done to me, nor to my mother that affected me as a kid, I have a hard time holding onto anger towards those who are to blame.

I have worked through so much of it already, and have chosen to forgive them. Beyond that, though, I choose to recognize that those who have hurt me, whether directly or indirectly, were also broken and in need of healing. They are responsible for their sins, but they are also in need of our loving God. They had been through pain at the hands of others, and they needed healing even more!

My own pain and learning to walk through it has been a long process, and is far from being over. The abuse stops here, and future generations in my family line will not experience the same abuse that my mom went through, and that I was exposed to, simply because my grandfather is no longer living. However, I know that the fear my mother instilled in us as children will take a long time to wear off. My hope is that one day when I have children, I will be able to teach them not to live in fear, but to walk in trust.

A huge part of that is learning it myself. I have a long way to go, and I will continue to walk closely with the Lord and seek Him to bring the healing I need. Still, I am sure that when my children are my age, they will be teaching me things I have never known because God will draw them close to His heart as well. They will wonder why they were taught life the way they were, and we'll have to revisit the painful past of our family history once again. However, this time around they will not have the same experiences.

Oh, and my children will know that they are both loved and protected! I learned early on that I couldn't depend on others to defend me, and if I tried to do it myself, I inevitably did it wrongly. I long for that protection that will defend me from those who would do me wrong, and at the same time who will stand by my side when I have to stand in my own defense. I know that God is my defender, and I trust that He will provide for people in my life to be His examples of that protection. These gifts from God will stand in the gap when I cannot stand up for myself, and they will cheer me on and not try to calm me down or tell me I am without reason for my defense. They will teach me how to stand up for myself better than I know now, and they will stand and fight by my side whenever necessary.

And I've met some who have already done so! I will continue to keep my eyes open for those who exemplify this part of my healing. God shows up in some of the most surprising places!