Hidden Heart

If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that one thing I desire is to be married, to have a family. There have been so many different perspectives I’ve had on this throughout my life, and God often opens my eyes to different pieces of this longing in a variety of ways.

A few years ago, while watching Pride & Prejudice, I was dumbfounded to learn something about myself: I am more like Jane than Elizabeth. Everyone thinks Elizabeth Bennett is the relatable one, but there is a scene when she describes her own relationship with Jane as not always knowing what her sister was feeling. It struck a chord in my heart. You see, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, there have been times when it has appeared that some around me have been unable to read what was going on in my heart.

When I was a teenager, it was usually no secret who I liked. This might have been because as teenagers we’re all painfully transparent, or it could have been because I wanted to be known, so I didn’t hide it well. Whichever it was, I don’t know, nor do I desire to really dig into it to find out. It’s in the past, and it’s one of those things that feel less pertinent to defining and analyzing things now.

But as I’ve grown up, for some reason it has been less clear to others when I’ve liked someone as more than a friend. Ok, well, there have been some exceptions to this, but on the whole I’ve had many conversations that have led me to believe that this is generally true.

Here are some examples: In my early twenties, a couple conversations surrounded relationships, friendships, where an expectation had already been set. There were two different expectations that were discussed, one that I had an ideal and no one would measure up to it, and the other was that I had established myself as one of the guys, and therefore not a prospect for dating. On one hand this meant that no one would pursue me because no one felt they would meet my standards. On the other hand, my close guy friends felt it comfortable to test out their flirting skills on me because there was no fear that I would take it seriously (I only ever discussed this with one of the guys who DIDN’T do this). I was everyone’s kid sister.

OUCH!

Another example of hidden feelings is my own professionalism. I have recently learned that at times I can be intimidatingly professional, and I guess this might be out of a fear of being unprofessional. I will not say it is a negative thing to be thought of as that professional, but it does shine some light on how things are perceived. I think of a time when a true invitation was not seen as such, and I wonder if my professionalism in that circumstance might have made the invitation seem a nicety rather than genuine.

So, have I set myself up for a life of unfulfilled longing? Or will there be someone who sees through it and who pursues me? Or really, does it matter if anyone else knows whether or not I ‘like’ someone, when I choose to trust that God has a plan, and in His time the man He has chosen for me will pursue me, and I will have no other interests? I wonder about these things, and I entrust these wonderings to God, who knows my heart far better than I even know it.