Hidden Heart

If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that one thing I desire is to be married, to have a family. There have been so many different perspectives I’ve had on this throughout my life, and God often opens my eyes to different pieces of this longing in a variety of ways.

A few years ago, while watching Pride & Prejudice, I was dumbfounded to learn something about myself: I am more like Jane than Elizabeth. Everyone thinks Elizabeth Bennett is the relatable one, but there is a scene when she describes her own relationship with Jane as not always knowing what her sister was feeling. It struck a chord in my heart. You see, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, there have been times when it has appeared that some around me have been unable to read what was going on in my heart.

When I was a teenager, it was usually no secret who I liked. This might have been because as teenagers we’re all painfully transparent, or it could have been because I wanted to be known, so I didn’t hide it well. Whichever it was, I don’t know, nor do I desire to really dig into it to find out. It’s in the past, and it’s one of those things that feel less pertinent to defining and analyzing things now.

But as I’ve grown up, for some reason it has been less clear to others when I’ve liked someone as more than a friend. Ok, well, there have been some exceptions to this, but on the whole I’ve had many conversations that have led me to believe that this is generally true.

Here are some examples: In my early twenties, a couple conversations surrounded relationships, friendships, where an expectation had already been set. There were two different expectations that were discussed, one that I had an ideal and no one would measure up to it, and the other was that I had established myself as one of the guys, and therefore not a prospect for dating. On one hand this meant that no one would pursue me because no one felt they would meet my standards. On the other hand, my close guy friends felt it comfortable to test out their flirting skills on me because there was no fear that I would take it seriously (I only ever discussed this with one of the guys who DIDN’T do this). I was everyone’s kid sister.

OUCH!

Another example of hidden feelings is my own professionalism. I have recently learned that at times I can be intimidatingly professional, and I guess this might be out of a fear of being unprofessional. I will not say it is a negative thing to be thought of as that professional, but it does shine some light on how things are perceived. I think of a time when a true invitation was not seen as such, and I wonder if my professionalism in that circumstance might have made the invitation seem a nicety rather than genuine.

So, have I set myself up for a life of unfulfilled longing? Or will there be someone who sees through it and who pursues me? Or really, does it matter if anyone else knows whether or not I ‘like’ someone, when I choose to trust that God has a plan, and in His time the man He has chosen for me will pursue me, and I will have no other interests? I wonder about these things, and I entrust these wonderings to God, who knows my heart far better than I even know it.

Two Truths

Recently I have learned two things about who God is making me to be. The first is that He has given me the ability, sense, and desire to seek Him, and the second is that He is teaching me to see myself as He sees me and not as the lies in my head would have me believe. The interesting part of this, to me anyway, is that the former was born of an extremely painful circumstance, the latter from a primarily positive experience.

Last year, while enduring an experience beyond any pain I have felt to this point in my life, I would often find myself “summoning my inner [insert positive person’s name here],” as I’ve told several people. You see, I was being spoken to and treated as if I was incompetent, and that there was no hope for me. The person speaking these lies to and over me was in a place of leadership, and I was living oppressed as I tried daily to live better. And often I found myself wondering and hoping for what the positive person would have said to me in those times.

Well, over the past couple weeks I got to hear those words of hope and reassurance from that positive person. This came in various ways, but one that stuck out to me was when we were talking, and I had to manage something, so our conversation was put on hold. We were never able to come back to it, but I KNOW(!!!) what he would have said to me! I know what he would have said because of our relationship: I know this person well enough to know how the conversation will go because we have had conversations before.

And in the midst of that, I learned that the same holds true in my relationship with God. There are times when I am bombarded with lies from many sources (often not directly from the devil, but through the voices of others or of old lies and tapes playing in my head). In these times I often wonder if I can hear God’s still small voice in the midst of the loudness of the lies. The truth is that since I spend time with God on a regular basis, reading His word, in prayer, and in community with other believers, I CAN hear Him! I CAN know what He will say to me because I know His heart and His character.

The second lesson comes from a very different place, a place of timid hope, a place of curiosity and stepping out in faith. Several months ago, I found myself in the midst of a group of people I didn’t know very well. We were gathered for the same purpose, but I saw myself as less skilled and less important than those around me. We shared our experiences and ideas for moving forward, and I was filled with hope that I could grow in my skill, learn from others, and [maybe] encourage someone else as well. However, I was mostly intimidated by the people who surrounded me, feeling like what I had to offer was ‘less than.’

As I have grown in relationship with several people from this group, and have continued to grow myself, I have learned that we are not all that unlike. Some of us struggle with the same things, and some of us have had similar experiences as we grow. AND I have learned that as I grow and continue in what I know and do, I am an encouragement to others in the group! I think in particular about someone by whom I was very intimidated because I thought myself so much less in this area. As I’ve got to know this person, there is a humility there that has set me at ease. And as I practice on my own, I think of how he has encouraged me as I continue to move forward.

God is pleased with me, and I have no reason to be intimidated by my offerings. He has created me to be just who I am, and He sees my every step as I move forward. He encourages me, and reminds me that I am not alone in this journey. In fact, I am His, and He is proud of me, and He wants me to be delighted in His work of creating me!
So how does this influence my life? Right now it influences me in that I can be confident in prayer that God will answer me when I call. In the dark times, I can know that He hears me, and that He has planted His word in my heart, for my rescue and for obedience. It also means that I can continue to experiment with different things God has given me delight in, and know that He will guide me as I grow, making the best out of each piece, and encouraging others forward towards Him in all things. I am blessed!

Christmas Reflections 2018

This evening I got to go to a 'neighborhood' Christmas party. I'm pretty sure this neighborhood covers a wide expanse. Anyhow, I got there in time to chat with a friend and sing some Christmas songs. As I was driving there, I was thinking about the traditions I've loved about Christmas, and the things I value about the season.

First, above all, is the reminder that God became a man and lived and died so that I could be reconciled with Him, hence the Christ in Christmas. When I tear up while singing Christmas carols and songs, two things are happening here: memories from childhood and singing in the cold car with family as we drove to look at Christmas lights; and contemplating (with a deep gratefulness) that God would take on the form of a helpless baby, dependent on the people He created.

Next, I think about a few traditions I loved as a child, or that I have started as an adult. The two from childhood that I still love, and wish I had a family to share them, are these: 1) A full stocking - the delight at seeing the little pieces of love shown through such simple things that fit into a small space, those memories!!! and 2) Looking at Christmas lights - driving around in a car, singing songs, and taking in the beauty of creative people in how they decorate the exterior of their homes (sometimes tastefully, others gaudy), these are precious memories to me as well.

And with these sweet memories there is also an aching in my heart because I do not get to experience these things now. My stocking hangs empty because the idea of filling a stocking is a community thing, not something I can simply do myself. And while driving through some Christmas lights tonight was kinda fun, it felt more empty because I was not sharing it with anyone.

The tradition that I started as an adult many years ago was to meditate on the 12 days of Christmas, and the deeper meaning that has been assigned to them. These actually start on Christmas Day, and go for the next 11 days. The artwork tonight represented these thoughts as well.

Then, I think about how my emotions are stirred in this season. I have often felt like it was not ok to weep because this is supposed to be a joyous time. However, when I think of the dire circumstances of the birth of Christ, and the stark contrast between His majestic nature and His humble presence on Earth, I am humbled to tears. It is ok to weep openly. And it is ok to mourn the things that have been lost, like my parents and other family members. Christ left Heaven to be here and bring us peace. The loss He experienced in giving that up was severe.

Finally, it gives us great hope! Though there are tears now, sorrow as I reflect on what has been lost, I know that because of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection, I have been reconciled with God and will one day worship Him for all eternity! Likewise, Christ endured the pain of separation on this Earth so that He could make a way for us to be with Him. He loves us THAT MUCH!!!

Commuting Prayers

Driving prayers are sometimes (actually, most often) the most powerful times of prayer in my life. I am about to start a new job where I'll be commuting an hour each way from my home, and so I know that this will be expanding/increasing. Here are some thoughts about life from recent times of prayer in my car:

1) I have often been afraid of what blessing looks like, and so often I don't ask wholeheartedly for God's hand to move in places of my greatest need.

2) I don't think of myself as a leader or someone who is going to make an impact. I am comfortable being just me, and not pushing the limits. Therefore, I do not ask God to open big doors, just enough to meet my needs in ways that don't draw too much attention.

3) Sometimes on the way to one thing, I pray about another thing. This happened last week, and God answered! While driving to one interview, I was praying about one that I'd already had, and I laid before God once again my trust that He will open and close the right doors, as well as my commitment to say "Yes" if a certain door is opened. I did this on Wednesday.

4) (This is the main one I've been wrestling through today, even after the drive to work this morning) For some reason I feel like my prayers for God to smooth out my path are unfaithful to His Gospel. I wrestle with always being in a place of needing to be rescued. I want to be in a place where there are consistent blessings, and I don't have to deal with the back and forth of whether or not God is going to provide for my needs (He always does) in time.

4 (cont.) The Gospel is that we are all in a place of needing to be rescued. God has sent His Son, Jesus, to be that rescuer. I feel like I am less than faithful when I expect to hear/experience, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, your suffering has ended." And yet, He DID say that, and He does pour out blessings.

So, in light of the above, I am questioning God about what He wants from me. What is the purpose of my life, and my faith walk? How will He use me in the lives of those around me? What will my testimony look like in the months and years and decades to come? I am willing, and I release my hold on being mediocre. I am comfortable here, but I think God has something more He wants from me.