To Know and Be Known

The longings of my heart express in a multitude of ways. This deep desire to be a wife has many components, some of which I experience in part in friendship. Often, though, these experiences leave me longing for more. I adore my friends, and I praise God for the friendships He has placed in my life. These relationships have been formed over years, or sometimes months, through conversation, trials, and celebration together. They remind us all that we are alive, and that someone cares. The people in our lives can be God's hands and feet if we let them and if they choose to be that.

One necessary component to all friendships is that of knowing the other person and being known by them. This takes vulnerability for both parties, and an understanding reception of that vulnerability. Vulnerability is not comfortable, especially when it's been rejected in the past. Understanding is sometimes difficult because we are all different, and sometimes we just don't get it. We can feel guarded when met with another person's vulnerability, and we live in a society that teaches us to disregard or avoid the emotional messes of others.

Those of you who know me well know that I cry at many things. From children reciting Scripture to the caring words of a friend when I'm trying too hard to be strong. I am so grateful for the friends in my life who accept me and all my emotions, and who speak truth into those wounded places. There is an understanding there, and it gives me the comfort to know that I am not only known as someone who cries, but that I am loved and accepted, sometimes even for that very quality. One friend said to me a couple months ago "Those who know you well know that, and we know how to handle it." While I'm not sure exactly what he meant by 'handle it,' it did speak to me that my close friends, the ones with whom I've chosen to be vulnerable, know what is necessary in my crying times. They know what my tears mean, and they know how to respond.

Just last night I had another conversation affirming my tears, affirming that my emotions are a natural outflow of who I am. This goes along with other recent conversations I've had in prayer. God has continued to remind me that I cannot be anyone other than myself. Even in my professional life, there will be times when my emotions will come out. I cannot hide the emotions that God has given me. In fact, God has blessed me with very open emotions that have been expressed on behalf of others, and this is a good thing.

So what does this all have to do with the longing to be a wife? My emotions are part of who I am, but not the entirety of who I am. God has given me physical attributes, intelligence and wisdom, a quirky personality, food preferences, and so much more. My relationship with Him defines more of who I am than many of these, but it is not in a vacuum. God has made me as a whole person. One of the things that blesses me most about some of my friendships is that of being known. When I get a taste of this, my heart longs for more. The tastes I get come in the form of someone saying that they know my heart, and encouraging me that God knows it even better. They come as I receive gifts that are things I'd never ask for, but that the giver knows will bless me. I glimpse it when someone takes the time to hear me, and to respond.

All of these experiences awaken within me a strong desire to know and be known, not just as a friend, though that is such a blessing as well. No, I long to be known so well that the person (my husband) can read me and know how to respond, even when I don't say a word. I've had friends who can do this from time to time, and for that I am thankful. Even so, it only makes the desire stronger because I know that it can be, and therefore it is not meaningless to hope. I had a friend once tell me that I will never find that in a man, and my response was that I've had male friends who were able to do so. I know God can do this.

This desire to be known has been awakened before, and taken before God. What He showed me through the Bible was astounding! He showed me that He also longs to be known. In Jeremiah we are told to search Him out with all of who we are. Jesus talks about those who will proclaim His name and be rejected with the words "Depart from me, I never knew you." We are told in Corinthians that one day we will see the fulfillment of the little bit that we know now. We will know as we are known!

Being created in the image of God, it is natural that we would have the same desire to be known. God created us with desires and emotions. In this longing of mine, I must remember to delight in God. He has promised to give me what I desire when I delight in Him, and I trust that in drawing close to God He will either change my desires, or fulfill them in the best way, His way!

Blessings on your life today. I hope that you find friendships in which you are known, and that you can bless someone else today by letting them experience the same!

Finding My Rhythm

This past weekend I realized it's been a whole month since I stepped out of the office. While the first week of that month was a blessed time spent with family in Indiana, and I've done some house- and pet-sitting since returning to Colorado, I have primarily been at home. With job searching being a weight I carry, I have also turned towards the cares of the home. As a homemaker at heart, and with the encouragement from a friend to maintain a rhythm of work and rest, I have been tracking daily my work rhythm. My friends with whom I connect online will have seen some of these daily rhythms posted and adjusted as the day goes on. Some things take more time that I have allowed for them, while others are completed and done before I even look at the clock.

In the midst of this rhythm of work, one thing I am finding is that I also have to have a rhythm of self-care. Right now self-care feels very much like work. If you read the previous blog post, you might be able to understand why this is work for me. I have dealt for so long with the lie that I am not worthy of being taken care of. Because of that lie, I find it hard to sit and care for myself when I can see other tasks that need to be done. Then I resent doing the other work simply because it speaks directly to my feeling of worthlessness. And the cycle goes on.

Today I choose to live differently. I write this blog as a benefit to those who read it. But that is changing. While I hope it will still benefit and bless the readers, I write more to process my own stuff and what God is doing in the midst of it. Even the paragraph above helped me to process out loud why it is that I feel the way I do towards certain work.

I titled this post "Finding My Rhythm" because I am in a transitional space where I can explore how a day can flow. Yesterday I had a quite intensive list of things I hoped to accomplish. I forgot that when I spend time talking with someone about my own needs, as I did yesterday morning, I am often emotionally exhausted afterwards. The meeting was longer that I expected, and while I ran the errands I had planned before returning home, I arrived home ready for a long nap. I had planned three hours of housework. Instead, I got home, planned a few tasks to do, and then took that nap. It was a good nap, and I am so thankful that God has helped me to retrain myself to get up when the alarm goes off the first time. I got up, accomplished some of the tasks on the list with some not on the list.

I learned that I need to choose specific tasks I plan to complete rather than setting a time-frame for work. I certainly learned this in the office this past year, but now I need to apply it to the home as well. Today my list is different. I have certain tasks planned, some of which is self-care related. In fact, I've already read a couple chapters this morning in a book I intend to finish today.

From time to time, I remember that I have specific goals set for the year as well. Yesterday I saw a yarn project I started nearly six years ago. Since one of my goals is to use all of the yarn and fabric I have in my room (forget what's in the storage space), I started to think about how I can complete that afghan. I had gotten tired of the pattern I was doing and put it aside. Now I have an idea that will make it much easier to finish. If it doesn't work the way I want it to, I may just throw out the first and use the remaining yarn with what I have in mind now. Maybe I'll just use what's already done as a table runner or scarf of some sort. This is just one example in trying things out.

My hope with defining my rhythm is to fit things where they belong and learn how to continue to 'work' even when I am not working. My rhythm has also lately included ministry opportunities I would not have otherwise had. I have had conversations that were more leisurely and spoke from the heart rather than moving on to the next task. I am learning what it means to be in the moment. In fact, my brain clicked last Friday night while talking with a friend. I was sharing a story about something that had happened in the past and realized I was rushing the story. Why? Because I had another story to tell, and I wanted to keep his attention while I shared, not thinking that he would be interested just because I was sharing part of my story. I slowed down and told a better story than I would have if I had just rushed it. We laughed and truly enjoyed one another's company.

This morning, while writing this post, I looked out my kitchen window. It was lightly raining and the sun was shining at the same time. I looked at it longingly for a few short seconds, and went right back to writing. Then I paused. This was a moment I could take in, and I did! What a refreshing rhythm by which to live! The birds are singing, it's still lightly raining, and I have written my post. Now I close my laptop and I continue my rhythm for the day. Blessings on your day in hopes that you, too, will find your rhythm.

The Adventure Continues

Looking back at my last post, I realize that my inner editor was not as strong then as it is now. I could have written that a little more clearly. I know I am a better writer now than then, but I also recognize that when the heart cries out, sometimes my writing gets oozy. For this reason, I will be grace-filled towards myself and remember that when I long for God's good things, sometimes it looks messy. Still, God is good, and He will fill me with life! Abundant life!

Today I write on a bit of a different subject. I remain in a place of longing, daily bringing my longings before the Lord. At the same time, I am in the midst of yet another transition and I have decided to chronicle some of this transition. If you know me personally, you know that from June 2012 through last month, I served in a temporary role as a children's ministry director. You joined me in prayer, counsel, and discussion about the struggles and joys of this position, and you have supported me through them all.

For the past month I have been job searching and resting. When I say resting, I don't mean the kind of rest that kicks back and does nothing. Rather it's been more of a soul rest. OK, so even there it's not been that kind of rest. God's plans are better than my own!

It seems that when I have more time, there is space for God to work on soul things and do necessary surgery on places affected and rotted out by lies from the past. He also gives me calling into more and surprises me with opportunities to minister in love rather than out of obligation. I have experienced so much of this over the past few weeks, and I expect that God will continue this work because He promised to do so.

So, below are a few of the things I've been doing while resting my soul in the hands of our Lord.

*Cares of the home - I am so thankful that I once again have time, and enough energy with that time, to care for things of the home! It is a blessing to me to be able to experiment with new recipes, find necessary furnishings (can I mention: inexpensively) to help with organization, organizing cluttered spaces, and figuring out a rhythm for cleaning and other homemaker tasks. While part of the work I pick up takes me out of my home for a few days at a time, and therefore the rhythm is not yet consistent, it feels good to return home after a pet-sit and know I have things in much better order than I used to!

*Spontaneous ministry - This started the day after I stepped out of the office for the last time as CM Director, at 4 in the morning! I traveled the next day to see family for a week. I chose to have the shuttle pick me up at home, and therefore had a shuttle switch at the Park 'n' Ride. On this first shuttle, for about ten minutes and on about three hours of sleep, I got to share with a woman about who Jesus is. It was one of the easiest conversations about Christ I've ever had, and it just felt right. There was no striving for the right words or wishing this woman would just leave me alone (or as far as I could tell her wishing I'd leave her alone). There were great questions, and hopefully some healing that took place.

The later in the same day I received a text and phone call from someone needing someone to talk to. I felt bad because I was traveling and didn't have the time to really connect with her between flights, so I texted her that I would connect in a few days. When we did connect, she relayed that it was obvious by the way no one she reached out to was available that day that God had wanted her to himself. God even uses our unavailability to speak to others! I know He's done that in my life at times as well. I am thankful for the time we did get to connect, and I hope that there was some healing and direction there.

And a number of other opportunities like this have happened over the past month, including praying for and with close friends who are making transitional decisions of their own, supporting those decisions even when it means the opposite of my selfish prayers, asking a question that leads to a two hour conversation and plans for more, leading Bible study, and many others. I am thankful for the opportunities to serve with my real passion for discipleship. Discipleship is so much more than study. It is actively doing life together and constantly bringing that before the Lord, seeking to honor Him in all things! What a joy!

*Soul work - This has been the hardest part! God and I have been wrestling on a regular basis this past month. There are three huge lies that I've been living, and from which I need God's deliverance. Though I know they are lies, my experiences have continually reinforced their message, and it's taking a lot of work to wrestle through them. I also know that some of the wrestling needs to be released to God to work out, and that I know He has done this for me before and will do it again. Here are the lies: I cannot expect good things for myself; I am shameful because I don't take care of myself; and I cannot expect others to truly care for me, even if they say they will.

The first is steeped in messages from childhood like being told that I should not ask for something, but rather wait until it's offered. This message has been so hurtful and damaging in so many ways. It's so hard to break this cycle! It seems like a polite way to live life, and sounds like a good principle. However, throughout Scripture we are told to ask! God wants us to come to Him with our needs and desires, and to ask Him to fulfill them! We are also told that God has good plans for us, and that all good gifts come from Him. I often think of this when praying for others, and I pray good things for them, but not often for myself. For some reason I've taken hold of the lie that I am different from everyone else and therefore I should not expect to receive good things, even from God. I need the daily reminders of the good things God has done in my life. I need to rest in His lap and expect Him to continue to do these good things. And I need to seek His heart to see that His plan for me is so good, even if it's different from my plan.

The second lie is steeped in our world's expectations and my understanding of them. Just over a week ago something happened that needed to be treated ASAP. As something that I'd rather not share with the broader audience who might read this, we'll just say that it's being taken care of. However, due to the nature of this problem and that maybe it would be different if I had been proactive about it, I instantly felt shame over my lack of care in this area. This opened the door for thinking about other areas where I could be more proactive about caring for myself. The messages from childhood and beyond became so loud! However, I have been assured by many (including the expert offering care) that I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that I need not carry this burden. While knowing that it could be far worse, the emotional pain that's there will take time. I also recognize that this lie stems from the first in that, since I bought into the lie that I should not expect good things, I have also not cared for myself because I do not deserve it. I'm seeking God to show me my value as His daughter!

The third lie feels harder to dispute, especially since it's been reinforced so recently. It is one that I have had to confront head on in light of the event mentioned in the previous paragraph. I have, in the past, been offered help, and then had it stop cold when things started happening. In trying to be gracious, I will withhold the details. However, I was talking with a friend yesterday who pointed out that clear communication is necessary. He said that often people do want to help one another, but are not always clear as to how much they can help. In the case with this recent event, specific pieces have been made clear, and I know what to expect. This matter is being taken care of, and all things have been communicated clearly. I think part of my hurt has come when open offers of help have been made, and then there's a cold stop without preparation, leaving me with a mess to deal with and unprepared to handle the situation. Because of this, I find it hard to trust that God is generous and wants to take care of all my needs. This is so wide open, and I walk in fear that one day it will stop. How far does His grace extend? Will He ever run out of anything necessary to care for me? Will I be left destitute and without the support to process my situation? These questions are all very real!

In light of all this, you can probably tell that rest doesn't always look restful. I am constantly in process, and while I can't say I'm taking a break from the work, I do know where my rest comes from. I rest in the One who holds my heart!

One last thing. As I have mentioned that my heart's longing remains for a husband and family, I thought I might share something that I started thinking about last night. As some of you know, I have a list of qualities that I hope God gives me in a husband. Many of these are from friends I've had who exhibited these qualities, and others are from friendships where certain qualities were painfully absent. I continue to pray through them because I want to know that they are good qualities to look for in a husband. I want to examine them through the lens of who Christ is. While Jesus Christ alone is perfect, I trust that God has someone who is perfect for me. Who knows, I may even know him already and just not know yet that he is God's best for me.

Anyway, there is one quality on my list that stopped me in motion yesterday: will encourage me to dream. As I think about this quality, I recognize that I don't even expect God to do this in my life. I want to know that God wants me to dream big, that He wants me to seek Him and to continue to expect great things. I want to know that God will give me desires and then fulfill them abundantly. Yet I minimize my hopes and dreams. Here is yet another area where I long for His healing! I will seek Him to work this out in my life!

Would you join me in praying for God's touch through all of this? I'm excited to see what is next, and I hope that I can continue to share God's work in my life.