Setting the Limits

God is good, and He allows us to see Him at work even in painful growth seasons.

Earlier this week on my social media account, I posted a quote from a sermon I once heard: "What you say 'yes' to gives you power over what you long to say 'no' to."

 

At the time I was thinking of an area of my life where God had been challenging me to confidently act with the end in mind.  Because of a recent circumstance, there is the potential for instant gratification, but in the long run, I know that this will not meet my end goal, nor will it truly satisfy my real and true desires in this area.  Because this area of my life is so deeply important to me, I have to pursue what I know is going to honor God, what I know will truly satisfy more than I could ever ask or imagine.  Because it is deeply personal, only those who know me well know the depth of this prayer and desire that I bring before God.

However, this morning I am applying this principal to a much different area, the details of which I will share. I have a goal of being debt free. How much and how long are unimportant here.  But what is important is that I am following clear expectations and making tough choices to make this happen.  

 

For example, I set a limit on spending for non-essentials. I know that to set a zero amount would only force my mind to a place of scarcity, which would end in disaster, and not honor God. Call it self-care, call it sharpening the saw, and each of these become more than non-essentials.  I could make an excuse that I am taking care of myself and sharpening the saw by purchasing certain items when in reality, I am only excusing it.  I have other ways of doing the same things, and God will be honored by my choosing to be a wise steward of what He's given me.

This morning I face a challenge: two beautiful, God-honoring things are before me, and because of a gracious decision, the cost of these two things has been decreased temporarily (some call this a sale, but the heart of those offering the sale means that it is much more than just a sale).  Each of the items are within this budgeted limit, but to purchase both would be over that limit.  I must choose.  And I will, because the end in mind is to become debt free, and God wil be honored in my faithfulness to pursue that goal.

God wants me debt free, not because the debt in itself smudges His character, but because when we carry debt, we are carrying a weight that keeps us from living our lives fully.  I cannot be fully joyful when what is hanging over my head keeps me tied to decisions that cut off that joy.  That bondage, all bondage, must go!  Therefore, I will enter into a time of prayer and Scripture reading before I make this decision.  Should I even, at this time, select either of these items?  Or does God have something even more in store for me, and I am to wait?

God is good, and growth is hard.  I am thankful that I don't have to fake it.  I am thankful that God is a loving Father!

Hugs, Responsibility and Concerts - Jesus is Better!

After our Sunday gathering, I am awestruck that God would once again speak into such specific spaces in my life!  Once again, I am floored that God would include me in His plan!  He calls each one of us into His redeeming love, and within that call is a call to share this with others as well.  The 'each of us' includes me!  Really, truly!

Ok, so what did that look like this morning, you ask?  It actually started several months ago when a couple concerts were announced in my area that brought back memories.  I am not a concert-goer, mostly because it is an expense that I cannot currently afford.  In fact the last 'concert' I went to was as a guest of a guest of one of the artist.  I say 'concert' because it was more of a gathering of many people in worship, all worshiping the God of all creation, with leaders who happen to be musicians who do concerts.

Well, the concerts that happened this weekend were definitely more about the performers, I am sure.  I would have loved going to see them, but it would have been a very different experience.  I did not go for two main reasons.  1) As mentioned above, the cost.  2) I would not have gone alone.  While there were others there I knew, if I wasn't at least going to be sitting with someone I knew, I would not have wanted to be there.  I don't like large crowds, especially filled with strangers.  Still, I would have gone if each of those concerns were addressed.

But God did something EVEN BETTER about this!  You'll have to read to the end to see the answer He provided...

But why did I start that way?  Because I'm a chronological thinker, and that was the way processing this morning started for me.

 Part of our gathering time on Sunday mornings is a time of prayer for the church beforehand.  It is always a time of syncing our hearts to the Father's heart, and leaning into what He might say to us before the main gathering.  It is also a time to lift up those around us who are hurting into the throne of grace for God to minister to them, often through us.  This morning was no different, and God is always at work!

After we finish, we head into the gathering space and prepare to enter the sanctuary.  This morning I was greeted by a friend I'd just recently met.  Last weekend we chatted some at the birthday celebration (our church celebrates in June with a BBQ), and then again at the movies the following night.  She was seemingly waiting for me as I came upstairs!  (Small aside, but big for my heart, while she and I talked another friend came up and gave me a hug!  God knows how much I need more hugs!!!  Thanks CR!)

Anyway, this new friend and I talked some about the movie from last weekend, and about our weeks.  Then we headed into the sanctuary.  I didn't know until later how much her heart was hurting.  But I did know that God had placed her into my path to pray for her this morning.

During the singing portion of our worship gathering, we sang a line that poked me in the heart.  It was about our future hope, and beckoning others to come along as well.  I pray for this for some who are close to my heart, and I often weep for them as I pray this.  The was simple, an invitation filled with hope. 

My heart once again focused on prayer, and in that moment, God broke a stranglehold I had on responsibility.  You see, as Christians some of us struggle to remember that it is not us who save others, but God alone.  We take a responsibility for something that is not our job.  And while I don't think I have been living as if I'm responsible for a friend's salvation, I have been living and thinking as if I am responsible for their rejection.  God has asked me to be faithful, and at times I fear rejection for living out loud what I believe.  So I hold back.  I'm afraid I will mess it up.  I'm afraid it will come out wrong, and I'll have messed up that person's chance of coming into God's gracious salvation through Christ because I got in the way.

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!  I release this!  And I release this publicly right now!!!  If there is rejection, it is not a rejection of me.  And salvation?  God does that!  This is even bigger when I think about how I've been praying.  Often my prayer is for this person or that person to come to God, to turn from their rejection of Him.  But this morning my prayer is for God to save my friends.  This is God's action, not mine, not my friends', but God's alone!  Huge relief and redirection of my prayers!  I need God to remind me of this every time I pray for my friends.

As the music time wrapped up, I learned why my new friend was hurting, and I continued throughout the rest of our gathering to pray for her.  I will continue to do so this week, and I let her know that tears were accepted in this.  Gosh!  My heart breaks for her pain.

Oh, and here's another example of God's work:  Lots of hugs for her, AND my friendly hugger from earlier?  Yeah, her husband even gave me a hug this morning!  God is meeting my needs, even when they are unspoken!!!

By this time I am already enthralled by God's grace and love poured out!  He is speaking to my heart, and in all of this, I know He is at work.  Then our pastor spoke.  The sermon this morning was centered on Christ's redeeming work, motivated by love, to save us.  And get this, the message was about how it's not our work, but His alone!  HA!  God sure has worked already to soften my heart to hear this message!

As the gathering drew to a close, we celebrated communion as we do every week.  I had the honor of serving communion this morning, and while we were serving and receiving communion, we were singing a song of worship that also drew my heart in.  This song was one of the songs we sang together at that worship gathering I attended that I described above!  It is a passionate heartfelt deep examination of Jesus' person, compassion, and glory!  Oh, how my heart melted (and it felt like my eyeballs as well) as we sang that.  With the wine and juice in my hands, serving and speaking the words of the Gospel over those who came to celebrate, I was reminded that Jesus is better.  Those concerts I really wanted to see this weekend?  They are nothing in comparison to the glory of being in the presence of the King of kinds and Lord of lords!  Jesus is better, and HE IS WORTHY!!!

What a morning!

Sunday Morning Musings, June 2

This morning at church, I was blessed to once again be surrounded by amazing people, people who have been called into the family of God through Christ! What an amazing family to be part of!  As we continue to focus on laying the foundation for what we believe through studying different parts of our doctrine each week, this week we were reminded of how the Gospel transforms every part of our lives.

During our gathering this morning, God spoke to my heart in a number of ways, drawing me closer to His heart and deepening my love for Him.

1) He gave us the gifts of music and dancing. I've thought about how these are tools we use for worship, but this morning it HIT me! We are created in God's image, and what He requires of us in worship is not foreign to Him. He created it, and made it good! It is meant to declare His glory! This made my singing (and some dancing) even more joyous this morning. This is not just something that we give to Him. This is something we reflect back to Him!

 

This is HUGE!  Singing and making music before the Lord is not an exercise we do because God delights in something that we create on our own.  He created it Himself, for His Glory, and we have the privilege to offer it back to Him in praise!  What a picture, and what a delight, to be singing and dancing WITH God!

 

2) A couple at church surrounded my experience of the gathering time with hugs.  At the greeting time (which some of us introverts don't always like), the wife gave me a hug.  Then she told me that I give the best hugs.  (What she doesn't know is that hugs are something I have felt recently are  lacking in my life.  Physical affection isn't something that is a regular part of my life as a single person without biological family nearby.)  After the worship gathering, her husband encircled me in a hug.  Then he remarked that he wasn't sure if he had any more free hugs coming, but if not, just to put that one on his tab.  Again, I am the one walking away feeling loved and surrounded.

3) An interaction that will lack detail for now reminded me that I am wanted and pursued, desired even!  This was not in a romantic way (some of you might be trying to figure that out, and you would be misdirected this time), but in comparison to others who might be sought for a particular thing, I was the one chosen for this!

4) I learned that an acquaintance/friend is a self-proclaimed extreme introvert.  This makes me feel even more treasured, as he initiated conversation with me this morning, and he honestly listens when he asks how I am.  To know that he will hold a conversation with me when he'd rather not talk to anyone, this means a LOT!  When I told him I am honored that he talks to me, he said, "You started it, so it's your fault."  We introverts know how much energy it takes to form meaningful friendships, and I am thankful for that!

5) Playfulness ensued!  There was mention of me holding a yardstick during the church birthday party yesterday, and concern about who might have been the target (no one, I was just using it to reach something that had gone over a fence).  Then there was conversation about how to keep one's self awake later at night, and a number of other things.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by these deep, loving people, and I look forward to continuing to see God at work within our midst.  I look forward to worshiping Him with all that I am.  And I look forward to knowing that He has plans for each of us, the foundation of which is a deeper love for Him because of His sacrifice for use!

Preparation for Reconciliation

     It is almost Easter, a day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ who died to take the punishment for our sins so he could rise again and give us new life (Romans 6:10)!  It is a joyous time, but the time leading up to it is a time of reflection, a time to recognize just how much we need a Savior.

     Over the past couple months, God has been stirring in my heart and mind some ponderings about what it means to be forgiven.  During the singing part of the worship gathering several weeks ago, God spoke to my heart about how I/we view our sin and His forgiveness.  While we must take sin seriously (otherwise, why would we need a Savior?), we must also remember the effect of His forgiveness.

     Now let me pause.  You will see a few Scripture references noted here.  There are so many more, and I invite you to do some investigating for yourself.  I am only providing a few to show you what I mean.

     You see, our sin separates us from God.  Because of our sin, we are dead (Ephesians 2), and anyone who knows how life and death works, we CANNOT make ourselves alive again.  Someone else has to do that for us.  Enter Jesus (Romans 6:10-11), who died so that we might live.  So, should we therefore live our lives mourning what Christ has done?  Should we live in sadness?

     One of my favorite passages in the New Testament is 1 Peter 1.  In it, Peter (the writer) tells of the affects of our salvation, the living hope we have for the things to come when Jesus returns.  While this tells us of future rejoicing, it also shows that we have reason to rejoice now!  And Jesus Himself said that He came so we could have abundant life!!!  In fact, Jesus puts this in contrast to 'the thief' who comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).

     For this reason, when I enter into a time of worship and prayer, I consider the blessing of salvation that God has given me.  This has shaped how I praise Him during Sunday gatherings, as well as how I view my own life when I mess up.  My sins are forgiven, and though I am still learning to live out the redemption and new life I have, I can worship Him in rejoicing as I consider that He has set me free from my sins!

     So what's the setup?  Here's the setup:  A couple weeks ago I learned of a person who had once done me wrong, and how that had affected him.  I learned that this person had changed routines to avoid me/thoughts of me, and that this experience had caused such guilt in his life.  He could not approach me, and he couldn't see that I'd let it go.  Because of these things, he carried around his guilt.

     Now I had forgiven this and moved on.  In fact, I had forgotten about it altogether, something I praise God for doing in my life.  I was not carrying the pain from that experience, nor any bitterness towards him.  If we had talked, I may have been able to offer the same forgiveness personally to him.  But he didn't approach me for that forgiveness.  (Remember my last blog post?  The one about the Gospel in my classroom economy?  One must only ask for it.)

     Because I learned this through a mutual friend, I did not have the opportunity to offer forgiveness in person.  However, I was able to send with said friend a small token of forgiveness.  While at the time, honestly I wasn't thinking of it in that way, but only that it was something I had that I knew would benefit him more than it would me, his response (via mutual friend) was that of relief, of feeling like "we" were ok. 

     We may never have that conversation, but the whole experience reminded me of God's speaking to my heart during Sunday morning worship.  And I think about how we experience God's forgiveness.  Or rather I think of how we forget that God has forgiven us.  We do not seek His face, and therefore we walk around as if we are still under the guilt of our sins.  We carry that burden, and we do not approach the very person who can set us free from that burden.

     So, today I will choose to walk in the LIFE He has given me!  I may not do it perfectly, but as my heart heals in each new experience, I will praise Him for His grace and goodness towards me!

Classroom Economy and the Gospel

In my fifth grade classroom we use a classroom economy.  Students earn the schoolwide currency for things like turning in all their homework, showing PRIDE (schoolwide PBIS), and classroom jobs.  However, there are also fines for things like not showing PRIDE, losing papers and needing more copies, or calling their teacher by anything other than Miss Jessee (that would be me).

Last weekend, I decided to make a strategic move: I would go full gospel on my class.  Now, to them I did not call it that.  But for me it is an experiment in what it would be like to offer to freely forgive their debts, and see how they responded.  In the process, I learned several things about how I imagine God may see our responses to His free gift of salvation through the death of His Son.

I started the day telling the students that I would be paying them (or issuing fine statements) as usual that afternoon.  Tuesdays are paydays in my class, payday for the previous week.  I then told them that the paycheck (or fine statement) they would be receiving that afternoon would already be balanced into my classroom bank balance, and I could show them if they owed me a debt.  If they did owe me a debt, I would offer them debt forgiveness, but they had to ask for it.

Well, when I started settling accounts, it was interesting to see how different students interacted with the news of what they owed me.  The first few students I met with who had debts didn't ask for the debt forgiveness that I had offered.  I showed them what they owed and asked if they wanted to do anything about it, and they said no.  This was a little shocking to me.  Why would you NOT ask for a free solution to your debt problem?

One student was not ready to ask (timidity?), and I asked if he wanted time to think about it.  He said yes.

Later, there were two students in a row who asked for debt forgiveness and received it immediately.  These two students were from the same table group as the student who had not been ready to make a decision about it.  When they were discussing it later, he looked at them and said, "I want debt forgiveness!"

I turned to him.  "Well, you just have to ask for it."

"Miss Jessee, would you forgive my debt?"

"Yes, I will."  Done, that is all it took.

So, here are a few things I ponder about how God sees our wandering about.  Those students who did not owe a debt have not yet understood the joy of the funds they have because I have not yet opened the store.  I think God knows that many think they live such good lives that they do not need debt forgiveness, so they go about thinking they don't need God.  Sadly, we forget that God is the giver of all good gifts, and the rewards they will enjoy, even the having of funds in the first place, these are not apart from their teacher providing them.

Secondly, I think about those students who did not ask for debt forgiveness.  Knowing the way these students think, I can see at least one of them waiting until later in the week to ask, knowing all debts to that point would be wiped out (including PRIDE clips moving down this week), so they'd be getting more forgiveness than they already had wracked up in debt before payday.  I have told them as much, that I would forgive even the clips down to that point.  I have not set a deadline.  I also haven't told them it's ongoing.  We shall see.

Additionally,  I wonder if those who did not ask for debt forgiveness were intimidated by the responsibility of what that would mean.  They are deep in a debt that they cannot pay back, and they know that there is an expectation that they start fresh and make better choices.  Likewise, when God forgives us and we are redeemed in Christ, our lives are no longer our own.  We are called to live differently in light of that forgiveness.  It's weighty!

Then, to see the relief of those who asked for debt forgiveness, I felt pride myself.  I had offered the forgiveness of debts, and given them the opportunity to start again.  They had received it, AND they told others about it!!!  AND another student asked for the same BECAUSE they talked about it!!!  This is the real working out of the Gospel in my classroom!

So, with all this, I got a small glimpse of how God might be looking in on us as we make the decision to receive - or not receive - His freely offered forgiveness.  I ponder how God longs for all of us to be saved, and how it must break His heart to have His gift refused.  I consider how God wants good things for us, and the gift is offered, waiting for us to receive it, if only we will walk towards Him and ask.  My experiment changed my thought process even more than I expected.

There's Room to Dance

Just a few simple words: There’s room to dance. Oh, but so much meaning!!!

This morning a couple friends helped me move a new-to-me desk into my apartment. One of these friends had only been to my home once before, and it was to move another piece of furniture into my home. Today, however, I am proud to say that my home is welcoming and open, something I could not say before.

As he looked at the apartment before leaving, these words were his gift to me, and they have played on my mind all day long. They fill me with joy, hope, and longing. Joy, because though I don’t need everyone’s approval on my space, I love that I can invite people in without shame. Hope, because if someone else sees open space, and that’s the first thing they say, I know I am not alone. And longing because I someday hope to find someone who will dance with me. Oh, how my heart longs for this!

As I think of my heart, and the open spaces in my heart, I realize there is room to dance there as well. After a really long, rough season emotionally, I have been experiencing God’s healing on a number of things. And with the decluttering of my home, there is also mental and emotional space there as well, since I don’t have to try to figure out how I’m going to move around my home.

So, with the open spaces in my heart and mind, I’m going to dance. I’m going to live in the freedom of what Christ has done for, in, and through me, and I am going to embrace the dancing moments, no matter what they look like. I don’t know all the moves yet, but I know that God will teach me to dance, and it will be beautiful!

(I write this next part with trembling, fearing hope will be dashed, but hoping fear will be put to rest, and hopes will be fulfilled.) And someday when I get to dance with the God’s chosen man for me, I will take in all the beauty that emotional room is.

(I just realized that God has been clearing out my heart in this area as well this year. Hmm… I wonder what He’s doing there…)

Hidden Heart

If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that one thing I desire is to be married, to have a family. There have been so many different perspectives I’ve had on this throughout my life, and God often opens my eyes to different pieces of this longing in a variety of ways.

A few years ago, while watching Pride & Prejudice, I was dumbfounded to learn something about myself: I am more like Jane than Elizabeth. Everyone thinks Elizabeth Bennett is the relatable one, but there is a scene when she describes her own relationship with Jane as not always knowing what her sister was feeling. It struck a chord in my heart. You see, I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, there have been times when it has appeared that some around me have been unable to read what was going on in my heart.

When I was a teenager, it was usually no secret who I liked. This might have been because as teenagers we’re all painfully transparent, or it could have been because I wanted to be known, so I didn’t hide it well. Whichever it was, I don’t know, nor do I desire to really dig into it to find out. It’s in the past, and it’s one of those things that feel less pertinent to defining and analyzing things now.

But as I’ve grown up, for some reason it has been less clear to others when I’ve liked someone as more than a friend. Ok, well, there have been some exceptions to this, but on the whole I’ve had many conversations that have led me to believe that this is generally true.

Here are some examples: In my early twenties, a couple conversations surrounded relationships, friendships, where an expectation had already been set. There were two different expectations that were discussed, one that I had an ideal and no one would measure up to it, and the other was that I had established myself as one of the guys, and therefore not a prospect for dating. On one hand this meant that no one would pursue me because no one felt they would meet my standards. On the other hand, my close guy friends felt it comfortable to test out their flirting skills on me because there was no fear that I would take it seriously (I only ever discussed this with one of the guys who DIDN’T do this). I was everyone’s kid sister.

OUCH!

Another example of hidden feelings is my own professionalism. I have recently learned that at times I can be intimidatingly professional, and I guess this might be out of a fear of being unprofessional. I will not say it is a negative thing to be thought of as that professional, but it does shine some light on how things are perceived. I think of a time when a true invitation was not seen as such, and I wonder if my professionalism in that circumstance might have made the invitation seem a nicety rather than genuine.

So, have I set myself up for a life of unfulfilled longing? Or will there be someone who sees through it and who pursues me? Or really, does it matter if anyone else knows whether or not I ‘like’ someone, when I choose to trust that God has a plan, and in His time the man He has chosen for me will pursue me, and I will have no other interests? I wonder about these things, and I entrust these wonderings to God, who knows my heart far better than I even know it.